God is awesome. He does things to bless you when you didn't realize that you needed something. And when He is waiting for you to pay attention, who knows what you can learn.
Last weekend I went to a retreat with some of the young women from my church. I'm still trying to get used to things because it's a new church environment. Being in a cabin with 10 women that you hardly know is an experience. But there are a couple of things that I learned and then I have something that happened today that I'd like to share with you.
So we talked about the different meanings of the word passion. One of the main points was secular vs sacred. If you are a child of God, everything you do is sacred. Brushing your teeth can be sacred. Eating can be sacred. Reading a book, having a conversation, being intimate with a spouse. Those are all sacred. We can't separate things between what can be God's and what isn't. It's all His.
The Message version of the Bible has always intrigued me. None of the scripture is sugar coated. It just tells it like it is and tells you to get over it. The sermon on the Mount is a piece of scripture that I have heard for my entire life. When I was in Godspell,I had the entire passage memorized. But sometimes, it's just helpful to be reminded.
"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are- no more, no less. That the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. You're blessed when you get your inside world-your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family. You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom." Matthew 5:3-10
Wow. That kind of just explains itself. How good is that?
Hearing that helped what happened today to actually stick. So I put God to the test today. Just so you know, that's okay to do. He encourages it. It helps us trust in Him and it shows us how He is always good to His word. I told Him about a relationship that needed to be fixed. I told Him that if something was supposed to be fixed, then to give me a sign. I've been getting ready for the Easter musical that I have come to Bowling Green be a part of this weekend. There is a song in it called "This is how Love Wins". Right before I got to a turn in the road, that song started to play.
I walked up to a door. A door that until a little over a month I had lived behind. I'm gonna be honest, I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I was just hoping that the door would be opened for me.
It was.
If you want to know more about that, feel free to message me on Facebook, it's a really cool story.
At the end, I asked a dear friend if we could pray. We spent the next 30 minutes or so thanking God for all the awesome things that He does and all the plans that He has that He hasn't shown us yet.I would be lying if I said that I now knew the reason for everything that has happened in the last 2 months. But as a good friend told me today, God said to let Him take care of me and it was time to move on.
I don't know what He has planned for me. But I know that in His timing, I'll start seeing the pieces. And that has to be good enough for me. :)
Friday, March 20, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
When I cannot stand I'll fall on you
You know those times when you just feel like the air has been knocked out of you? Like nothing will ever make sense again and you're not exactly sure what direction is up?
Because that's me right now. My entire life got turned upside down and sometimes I still don't know how to take it. I am slowly building a life here. Job applications, unpacking and trying to find my place in a new church.
But more than that some recent days have been really hard on me. A birthday that was completely different than my 21st. Trying to keep in contact with my friends who now live 4 hours away. Friendships take time and work and that is definitely showing right now.
But more than that, this has just once again shown me that I am not in control of things.
The hardest day was March 1st. When your life completely changes, for the better, the people who are around you are the ones to see the difference the most.
When you have had a history of hurting yourself, or depression, in my case both, it is very hard to explain or even get anyone who will take the time enough to listen. And when it is something that has been a part of your life for 7 years, it's something that is taken one day at a time.
Sometimes people are put in your path to change your life. The irony comes in when the person who helps with the change is part of what made the feelings start in the first place.
High school is a tough place. In my place, it was different. I had been homeschooled for my entire life. I walked in the school that day not knowing what to expect because I had never experienced it. I walked into my house that afternoon with tears in my eyes and fears about the future. Sadly, I was easy prey for bullies. And so that's when I took to hurting myself because it made things make sense. That won't be understood by someone who has never been through this, but there are some out there that it will make sense to.
I did this for 3 years and then I had graduated high school. At this point most of the people that I knew were off to start their futures. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Somedays I still don't know. Nothing made me happy. I would get dressed two days a week and that was just to go to church. As soon as that was over I was back in my chair in pjs with Netflix and headphones. Bedtime was never consist and activity was none existent. I hid in the shell that I had made for myself. My mom would make me go to the store with her just so I could get out of the house.
I came out of the depression but keep up with the harm. I would write my feelings, which were quite honestly something that could come out of a horror movie. I was a shell of a person. Unhappy, but not sure how I could do anything to change it. Or if anyone even cared. People had become the enemy which lead to panic attacks. I would be at home by myself and feel like I was in a room crowded with people where I felt like I couldn't breathe. That is something that is still sometimes a problem for me.
Then someone saw me when I actually let my guard down. They say that they want to help me get out of that self harm. And he did. I sit here a year later having not hurt myself since March 1st of last year. Every day is a new challenge to tell myself that I don't have to cope like that anymore. I gets easier but having my life turned upside down made me feel those things again. Thankfully I didn't relapse.
The thing that has helped me recently has been music. Music has always been important to me but trying to make changes it has really been important. And one song has just stood out to do that recently.
http://youtu.be/LuvfMDhTyMA
Lord I need you. That's where the title of this post coming from. When I cannot stand I'll fall on you. And I'm falling on Him right now. I know He has a plan and a purpose and thanks to a really good friend, I'm now here to experience that plan. Thanks Nick. And everyone just know that there is someone out there who knows what you are going through.
Because that's me right now. My entire life got turned upside down and sometimes I still don't know how to take it. I am slowly building a life here. Job applications, unpacking and trying to find my place in a new church.
But more than that some recent days have been really hard on me. A birthday that was completely different than my 21st. Trying to keep in contact with my friends who now live 4 hours away. Friendships take time and work and that is definitely showing right now.
But more than that, this has just once again shown me that I am not in control of things.
The hardest day was March 1st. When your life completely changes, for the better, the people who are around you are the ones to see the difference the most.
When you have had a history of hurting yourself, or depression, in my case both, it is very hard to explain or even get anyone who will take the time enough to listen. And when it is something that has been a part of your life for 7 years, it's something that is taken one day at a time.
Sometimes people are put in your path to change your life. The irony comes in when the person who helps with the change is part of what made the feelings start in the first place.
High school is a tough place. In my place, it was different. I had been homeschooled for my entire life. I walked in the school that day not knowing what to expect because I had never experienced it. I walked into my house that afternoon with tears in my eyes and fears about the future. Sadly, I was easy prey for bullies. And so that's when I took to hurting myself because it made things make sense. That won't be understood by someone who has never been through this, but there are some out there that it will make sense to.
I did this for 3 years and then I had graduated high school. At this point most of the people that I knew were off to start their futures. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Somedays I still don't know. Nothing made me happy. I would get dressed two days a week and that was just to go to church. As soon as that was over I was back in my chair in pjs with Netflix and headphones. Bedtime was never consist and activity was none existent. I hid in the shell that I had made for myself. My mom would make me go to the store with her just so I could get out of the house.
I came out of the depression but keep up with the harm. I would write my feelings, which were quite honestly something that could come out of a horror movie. I was a shell of a person. Unhappy, but not sure how I could do anything to change it. Or if anyone even cared. People had become the enemy which lead to panic attacks. I would be at home by myself and feel like I was in a room crowded with people where I felt like I couldn't breathe. That is something that is still sometimes a problem for me.
Then someone saw me when I actually let my guard down. They say that they want to help me get out of that self harm. And he did. I sit here a year later having not hurt myself since March 1st of last year. Every day is a new challenge to tell myself that I don't have to cope like that anymore. I gets easier but having my life turned upside down made me feel those things again. Thankfully I didn't relapse.
The thing that has helped me recently has been music. Music has always been important to me but trying to make changes it has really been important. And one song has just stood out to do that recently.
http://youtu.be/LuvfMDhTyMA
Lord I need you. That's where the title of this post coming from. When I cannot stand I'll fall on you. And I'm falling on Him right now. I know He has a plan and a purpose and thanks to a really good friend, I'm now here to experience that plan. Thanks Nick. And everyone just know that there is someone out there who knows what you are going through.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
What time is it?
It is amazing how quickly things can change. When you live in a day and time that instant gratification is necessary to achieve happiness is it any wonder that we end up going in circles. If you don't have a phone that connects to the internet, you are looked at with a look of sadness. I want it all and I want it now is kind of what is the popular thing to go for or want.
My life has changed ridiculously fast in the last 2 and a half weeks. God decided to change me situation which had me moving back in with my parents after being out of the house for almost 2 years. The last few weeks have been full of difficult goodbyes, tears of sadness, tons of hugs and words of encouragement from everyone that I hold dear.
I found myself mad and confused at God for why He was letting this happen. I didn't understand why his plans weren't lining up with mine. I had a plan, I had things that were going right and then I a few going not so right.
The hardest thing was leaving behind my church family. And that's the honest truth. Woodburn is family to me.
God started putting people in my life to speak, or write, the words I needed to hear. The first advice came from a friend who said that life happens in seasons. You grow during them, you look for answers, you cry, you uproot, and ultimately grow stronger. He suggested that I not let the past season keep me from what God had for me during this one. And I thank him for that.
Another piece of wisdom came from that man two weeks later. At the end of choir practice he asked the choir for words of wisdom that then lead to prayer. He prayed that all of us would do things in Godspeed. Being a pastor's kid, I've heard that word for a long time. But what stuck was what he said next. "Help us to speed up or slow down according to your speed. And help us to be okay with it.
That kind of just smacked me in the face. I then realized that I had been going at this the completely wrong way. I had seen that my timing was messed up and made it my mission to blame anyone and everyone in my path. That wasn't what was going on. This had been God's plan all along.
Now as I am sitting in a church that is 4 hours away from where I was sitting this time last week, I can't help but be excited for what is coming. What I'm trying to say is, Godspeed is the speed that you want to be on. It's not too fast and not too slow, it's just right. Just realize that if you fall down, He'll be there to pick you up again.
My life has changed ridiculously fast in the last 2 and a half weeks. God decided to change me situation which had me moving back in with my parents after being out of the house for almost 2 years. The last few weeks have been full of difficult goodbyes, tears of sadness, tons of hugs and words of encouragement from everyone that I hold dear.
I found myself mad and confused at God for why He was letting this happen. I didn't understand why his plans weren't lining up with mine. I had a plan, I had things that were going right and then I a few going not so right.
The hardest thing was leaving behind my church family. And that's the honest truth. Woodburn is family to me.
God started putting people in my life to speak, or write, the words I needed to hear. The first advice came from a friend who said that life happens in seasons. You grow during them, you look for answers, you cry, you uproot, and ultimately grow stronger. He suggested that I not let the past season keep me from what God had for me during this one. And I thank him for that.
Another piece of wisdom came from that man two weeks later. At the end of choir practice he asked the choir for words of wisdom that then lead to prayer. He prayed that all of us would do things in Godspeed. Being a pastor's kid, I've heard that word for a long time. But what stuck was what he said next. "Help us to speed up or slow down according to your speed. And help us to be okay with it.
That kind of just smacked me in the face. I then realized that I had been going at this the completely wrong way. I had seen that my timing was messed up and made it my mission to blame anyone and everyone in my path. That wasn't what was going on. This had been God's plan all along.
Now as I am sitting in a church that is 4 hours away from where I was sitting this time last week, I can't help but be excited for what is coming. What I'm trying to say is, Godspeed is the speed that you want to be on. It's not too fast and not too slow, it's just right. Just realize that if you fall down, He'll be there to pick you up again.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
But He judged me
Chapter 7. Judging people. I don't know about you but this is something that I have struggled with for a very long time. There's just something in me that says well they did it to me so why can't I do it to them.
I think verse 3 explains it best. Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when there is a plank in your own?
Now I've never had a plank of wood in my eye but I've seen plenty of planks of wood in my life to know that it should be pretty obvious if you had one in your eye. But here's the truth. We don't like looking in our own eyes because we won't like what we see. It's much easier to pick up on other peoples' issues than it is our own. Because a plank is more painful.
What I'm trying to say is don't go around judging people for something small when in your life there is an elephant in a tornado in yours. Embrace your mistakes and learn from them. Then get out your magnifying glass and get to work on some peoples specks.
I think verse 3 explains it best. Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye when there is a plank in your own?
Now I've never had a plank of wood in my eye but I've seen plenty of planks of wood in my life to know that it should be pretty obvious if you had one in your eye. But here's the truth. We don't like looking in our own eyes because we won't like what we see. It's much easier to pick up on other peoples' issues than it is our own. Because a plank is more painful.
What I'm trying to say is don't go around judging people for something small when in your life there is an elephant in a tornado in yours. Embrace your mistakes and learn from them. Then get out your magnifying glass and get to work on some peoples specks.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Don't worry
Chapter 6 of Matthew was my reading for today. I was sitting here thinking of all the things that are going on in my life. There are a lot of unanswered questions and a little bit of hurt to be honest. But this is not the time or place for that.
I love when I am completely clueless about what is going on in my life that somehow God shows me something that I haven't been seeing. He seems to just bring things to light that I have never seen but in the midst of a need, there it is.
Verse 6 says to go pray in secret and that you will be rewarded. My prayer life is something that has really changed over the past year. I have realized that if I claim that Jesus is my best friend, then we need to talk to each other. I am completely reverent when I pray but at the same time it's like a conversation. I say hello and say what I need to say and He listens. And then I listen so I can hear what He has to say. Our times together are so enjoyable and just help everything make sense.
If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. I think that explains itself.
The next part is sometimes really hard for me. But it says to not store our treasures on earth where it can be destroyed. Now I'm human. And I'm not sure about you but I worry about money ALOT. Sometimes it's all I can think about. Why do I not have a better paying job? Why do I not get more hours? Why can I not just worry about the things I want?
There's a problem with all of those questions. And it's the word I. On my own, I am nothing. But then I look around me and see all the things I do have. I do have a job. I have a car to get to that job. I may not have much money but I have what I need. I have a place to live. I have friends and family that support me and love me even with how messed up I am. I'm losing weight which is an awesome feeling to see my clothes get looser.
But more than that, I have a Savoir. I am made in His image. He knows what I need and already has a way to fix it. I takes me as I am and is beginning to show me that I don't have to have the most money in the world. And I don't have all the things that I want because I have everything that I need.
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. And He holds it all, so just don't worry.
I love when I am completely clueless about what is going on in my life that somehow God shows me something that I haven't been seeing. He seems to just bring things to light that I have never seen but in the midst of a need, there it is.
Verse 6 says to go pray in secret and that you will be rewarded. My prayer life is something that has really changed over the past year. I have realized that if I claim that Jesus is my best friend, then we need to talk to each other. I am completely reverent when I pray but at the same time it's like a conversation. I say hello and say what I need to say and He listens. And then I listen so I can hear what He has to say. Our times together are so enjoyable and just help everything make sense.
If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. I think that explains itself.
The next part is sometimes really hard for me. But it says to not store our treasures on earth where it can be destroyed. Now I'm human. And I'm not sure about you but I worry about money ALOT. Sometimes it's all I can think about. Why do I not have a better paying job? Why do I not get more hours? Why can I not just worry about the things I want?
There's a problem with all of those questions. And it's the word I. On my own, I am nothing. But then I look around me and see all the things I do have. I do have a job. I have a car to get to that job. I may not have much money but I have what I need. I have a place to live. I have friends and family that support me and love me even with how messed up I am. I'm losing weight which is an awesome feeling to see my clothes get looser.
But more than that, I have a Savoir. I am made in His image. He knows what I need and already has a way to fix it. I takes me as I am and is beginning to show me that I don't have to have the most money in the world. And I don't have all the things that I want because I have everything that I need.
So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today. And He holds it all, so just don't worry.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
The first hillside revival
Have you ever been on a mountain? The hike is long and hard. But the view from the top is fantastic.
I love the outdoors. I always have. When given the choice, I'll choose outside every time. I can't tell you how many family vacations where my family and I have hiked to get to a waterfall or see a beautiful view.
That's why I find it so fitting that Jesus' first sermon is on the side of a mountain. Jesus was living in a time of no technology. There where no microphones, no screens and no air conditioning. Anyone who would have wanted to hear him would have to walk there. And then they would have stood in order to hear a great teacher. It would have been a full day ordeal.
Verse 1 stands out to me. One day as he saw the crowds gathering, Jesus went up on the mountain and sat down . His disciples gathered around him, and he began to teach them. He didn't tell them where He was going, what He was doing or that He was going to preach. He went and they followed.
A group from my church just recently came back from a mission trip to Haiti. When sharing about the trip one girl said the thing that stood out the most to her was how the people worshiped God. Their church services would last at least four hours. When is the last time that you went to church and stopped looking at your watch every five minutes. When was the last time that you were so in tune with the Holy Spirit that you didn't care how full your Sunday restaurant was going to be.
People in a Haiti, a country that is still recovering from an earthquake and worshiping in a non air conditioned building are experiencing the power of God in more ways than we are.
When will we realize that the only thing in life we need is to sit at the feet of the teacher and listen? When we get there, we'll be going in the right direction.
I love the outdoors. I always have. When given the choice, I'll choose outside every time. I can't tell you how many family vacations where my family and I have hiked to get to a waterfall or see a beautiful view.
That's why I find it so fitting that Jesus' first sermon is on the side of a mountain. Jesus was living in a time of no technology. There where no microphones, no screens and no air conditioning. Anyone who would have wanted to hear him would have to walk there. And then they would have stood in order to hear a great teacher. It would have been a full day ordeal.
Verse 1 stands out to me. One day as he saw the crowds gathering, Jesus went up on the mountain and sat down . His disciples gathered around him, and he began to teach them. He didn't tell them where He was going, what He was doing or that He was going to preach. He went and they followed.
A group from my church just recently came back from a mission trip to Haiti. When sharing about the trip one girl said the thing that stood out the most to her was how the people worshiped God. Their church services would last at least four hours. When is the last time that you went to church and stopped looking at your watch every five minutes. When was the last time that you were so in tune with the Holy Spirit that you didn't care how full your Sunday restaurant was going to be.
People in a Haiti, a country that is still recovering from an earthquake and worshiping in a non air conditioned building are experiencing the power of God in more ways than we are.
When will we realize that the only thing in life we need is to sit at the feet of the teacher and listen? When we get there, we'll be going in the right direction.
Friday, July 11, 2014
So you wanna play with magic?
The fourth chapter of Matthew is one chapter of the Bible that has always caused me to question a couple of things. That's why it's taken me so long to respond to it. I had to think long and hard before writing a response.
This is what I've come up with. The fourth chapter is necessary in order for Jesus to be who He says He is.
Let me explain. Chapter four starts out with Jesus leaving after His baptism by John. The spirit has descended like a dove to Jesus and He just leaves. We don't see John's reaction but I'm pretty sure he was pretty confused. The Savior of the world has just been baptized and leaves? Really?
The important part of chapter 3 is that the spirit came to Jesus. Without the spirit, what happened in chapter 4 would not be accurate.
Jesus is tempted with three completely different things. The first of which is food. I personally have never been on a 40 day fast, but it know that on the ones I have been a part of, even looking at food can cause extreme pain or you get to the point where the look of food makes you physically sick.
Jesus is asked if He's hungry, why not just turn some stones into bread. Jesus is perfectly capable of this. He's God after all. But that's not what this part of the story is about. In this part Jesus he is fully human. But He has a little something on His side. He has the Holy Spirit. That's why His response is 'People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
Next Jesus is asked to jump from a high building in Jerusalem because there is no way He can be hurt because angels will help Him. Jesus then says 'You must not test The Lord your God.'" This is very important. Here Jesus claims His lordship. He knows who He is and why He is here.
Then Jesus is taken to a mountain and told this can all be His. Here's the great thing: satan is offering something to Jesus that He already has. He is God. Who holds everything in the palm of His hand. Satan likes to think it's his but it's not. It is a part of Jesus' birthright.
So just remember. You have the power of the Holy Spirit within you. Don't be afraid to use it. If you are in Christ you have been called to be a soldier for Him. You've been given the tools. Just don't be afraid to use them.
This is what I've come up with. The fourth chapter is necessary in order for Jesus to be who He says He is.
Let me explain. Chapter four starts out with Jesus leaving after His baptism by John. The spirit has descended like a dove to Jesus and He just leaves. We don't see John's reaction but I'm pretty sure he was pretty confused. The Savior of the world has just been baptized and leaves? Really?
The important part of chapter 3 is that the spirit came to Jesus. Without the spirit, what happened in chapter 4 would not be accurate.
Jesus is tempted with three completely different things. The first of which is food. I personally have never been on a 40 day fast, but it know that on the ones I have been a part of, even looking at food can cause extreme pain or you get to the point where the look of food makes you physically sick.
Jesus is asked if He's hungry, why not just turn some stones into bread. Jesus is perfectly capable of this. He's God after all. But that's not what this part of the story is about. In this part Jesus he is fully human. But He has a little something on His side. He has the Holy Spirit. That's why His response is 'People do not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"
Next Jesus is asked to jump from a high building in Jerusalem because there is no way He can be hurt because angels will help Him. Jesus then says 'You must not test The Lord your God.'" This is very important. Here Jesus claims His lordship. He knows who He is and why He is here.
Then Jesus is taken to a mountain and told this can all be His. Here's the great thing: satan is offering something to Jesus that He already has. He is God. Who holds everything in the palm of His hand. Satan likes to think it's his but it's not. It is a part of Jesus' birthright.
So just remember. You have the power of the Holy Spirit within you. Don't be afraid to use it. If you are in Christ you have been called to be a soldier for Him. You've been given the tools. Just don't be afraid to use them.
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