God is awesome. He does things to bless you when you didn't realize that you needed something. And when He is waiting for you to pay attention, who knows what you can learn.
Last weekend I went to a retreat with some of the young women from my church. I'm still trying to get used to things because it's a new church environment. Being in a cabin with 10 women that you hardly know is an experience. But there are a couple of things that I learned and then I have something that happened today that I'd like to share with you.
So we talked about the different meanings of the word passion. One of the main points was secular vs sacred. If you are a child of God, everything you do is sacred. Brushing your teeth can be sacred. Eating can be sacred. Reading a book, having a conversation, being intimate with a spouse. Those are all sacred. We can't separate things between what can be God's and what isn't. It's all His.
The Message version of the Bible has always intrigued me. None of the scripture is sugar coated. It just tells it like it is and tells you to get over it. The sermon on the Mount is a piece of scripture that I have heard for my entire life. When I was in Godspell,I had the entire passage memorized. But sometimes, it's just helpful to be reminded.
"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are- no more, no less. That the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. You're blessed when you get your inside world-your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family. You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom." Matthew 5:3-10
Wow. That kind of just explains itself. How good is that?
Hearing that helped what happened today to actually stick. So I put God to the test today. Just so you know, that's okay to do. He encourages it. It helps us trust in Him and it shows us how He is always good to His word. I told Him about a relationship that needed to be fixed. I told Him that if something was supposed to be fixed, then to give me a sign. I've been getting ready for the Easter musical that I have come to Bowling Green be a part of this weekend. There is a song in it called "This is how Love Wins". Right before I got to a turn in the road, that song started to play.
I walked up to a door. A door that until a little over a month I had lived behind. I'm gonna be honest, I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I was just hoping that the door would be opened for me.
It was.
If you want to know more about that, feel free to message me on Facebook, it's a really cool story.
At the end, I asked a dear friend if we could pray. We spent the next 30 minutes or so thanking God for all the awesome things that He does and all the plans that He has that He hasn't shown us yet.I would be lying if I said that I now knew the reason for everything that has happened in the last 2 months. But as a good friend told me today, God said to let Him take care of me and it was time to move on.
I don't know what He has planned for me. But I know that in His timing, I'll start seeing the pieces. And that has to be good enough for me. :)
Friday, March 20, 2015
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
When I cannot stand I'll fall on you
You know those times when you just feel like the air has been knocked out of you? Like nothing will ever make sense again and you're not exactly sure what direction is up?
Because that's me right now. My entire life got turned upside down and sometimes I still don't know how to take it. I am slowly building a life here. Job applications, unpacking and trying to find my place in a new church.
But more than that some recent days have been really hard on me. A birthday that was completely different than my 21st. Trying to keep in contact with my friends who now live 4 hours away. Friendships take time and work and that is definitely showing right now.
But more than that, this has just once again shown me that I am not in control of things.
The hardest day was March 1st. When your life completely changes, for the better, the people who are around you are the ones to see the difference the most.
When you have had a history of hurting yourself, or depression, in my case both, it is very hard to explain or even get anyone who will take the time enough to listen. And when it is something that has been a part of your life for 7 years, it's something that is taken one day at a time.
Sometimes people are put in your path to change your life. The irony comes in when the person who helps with the change is part of what made the feelings start in the first place.
High school is a tough place. In my place, it was different. I had been homeschooled for my entire life. I walked in the school that day not knowing what to expect because I had never experienced it. I walked into my house that afternoon with tears in my eyes and fears about the future. Sadly, I was easy prey for bullies. And so that's when I took to hurting myself because it made things make sense. That won't be understood by someone who has never been through this, but there are some out there that it will make sense to.
I did this for 3 years and then I had graduated high school. At this point most of the people that I knew were off to start their futures. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Somedays I still don't know. Nothing made me happy. I would get dressed two days a week and that was just to go to church. As soon as that was over I was back in my chair in pjs with Netflix and headphones. Bedtime was never consist and activity was none existent. I hid in the shell that I had made for myself. My mom would make me go to the store with her just so I could get out of the house.
I came out of the depression but keep up with the harm. I would write my feelings, which were quite honestly something that could come out of a horror movie. I was a shell of a person. Unhappy, but not sure how I could do anything to change it. Or if anyone even cared. People had become the enemy which lead to panic attacks. I would be at home by myself and feel like I was in a room crowded with people where I felt like I couldn't breathe. That is something that is still sometimes a problem for me.
Then someone saw me when I actually let my guard down. They say that they want to help me get out of that self harm. And he did. I sit here a year later having not hurt myself since March 1st of last year. Every day is a new challenge to tell myself that I don't have to cope like that anymore. I gets easier but having my life turned upside down made me feel those things again. Thankfully I didn't relapse.
The thing that has helped me recently has been music. Music has always been important to me but trying to make changes it has really been important. And one song has just stood out to do that recently.
http://youtu.be/LuvfMDhTyMA
Lord I need you. That's where the title of this post coming from. When I cannot stand I'll fall on you. And I'm falling on Him right now. I know He has a plan and a purpose and thanks to a really good friend, I'm now here to experience that plan. Thanks Nick. And everyone just know that there is someone out there who knows what you are going through.
Because that's me right now. My entire life got turned upside down and sometimes I still don't know how to take it. I am slowly building a life here. Job applications, unpacking and trying to find my place in a new church.
But more than that some recent days have been really hard on me. A birthday that was completely different than my 21st. Trying to keep in contact with my friends who now live 4 hours away. Friendships take time and work and that is definitely showing right now.
But more than that, this has just once again shown me that I am not in control of things.
The hardest day was March 1st. When your life completely changes, for the better, the people who are around you are the ones to see the difference the most.
When you have had a history of hurting yourself, or depression, in my case both, it is very hard to explain or even get anyone who will take the time enough to listen. And when it is something that has been a part of your life for 7 years, it's something that is taken one day at a time.
Sometimes people are put in your path to change your life. The irony comes in when the person who helps with the change is part of what made the feelings start in the first place.
High school is a tough place. In my place, it was different. I had been homeschooled for my entire life. I walked in the school that day not knowing what to expect because I had never experienced it. I walked into my house that afternoon with tears in my eyes and fears about the future. Sadly, I was easy prey for bullies. And so that's when I took to hurting myself because it made things make sense. That won't be understood by someone who has never been through this, but there are some out there that it will make sense to.
I did this for 3 years and then I had graduated high school. At this point most of the people that I knew were off to start their futures. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Somedays I still don't know. Nothing made me happy. I would get dressed two days a week and that was just to go to church. As soon as that was over I was back in my chair in pjs with Netflix and headphones. Bedtime was never consist and activity was none existent. I hid in the shell that I had made for myself. My mom would make me go to the store with her just so I could get out of the house.
I came out of the depression but keep up with the harm. I would write my feelings, which were quite honestly something that could come out of a horror movie. I was a shell of a person. Unhappy, but not sure how I could do anything to change it. Or if anyone even cared. People had become the enemy which lead to panic attacks. I would be at home by myself and feel like I was in a room crowded with people where I felt like I couldn't breathe. That is something that is still sometimes a problem for me.
Then someone saw me when I actually let my guard down. They say that they want to help me get out of that self harm. And he did. I sit here a year later having not hurt myself since March 1st of last year. Every day is a new challenge to tell myself that I don't have to cope like that anymore. I gets easier but having my life turned upside down made me feel those things again. Thankfully I didn't relapse.
The thing that has helped me recently has been music. Music has always been important to me but trying to make changes it has really been important. And one song has just stood out to do that recently.
http://youtu.be/LuvfMDhTyMA
Lord I need you. That's where the title of this post coming from. When I cannot stand I'll fall on you. And I'm falling on Him right now. I know He has a plan and a purpose and thanks to a really good friend, I'm now here to experience that plan. Thanks Nick. And everyone just know that there is someone out there who knows what you are going through.
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