When I cannot stand I'll fall on you

You know those times when you just feel like the air has been knocked out of you? Like nothing will ever make sense again and you're not exactly sure what direction is up?

Because that's me right now. My entire life got turned upside down and sometimes I still don't know how to take it. I am slowly building a life here. Job applications, unpacking and trying to find my place in a new church. 

But more than that some recent days have been really hard on me. A birthday that was completely different than my 21st. Trying to keep in contact with my friends who now live 4 hours away. Friendships take time and work and that is definitely showing right now.

But more than that, this has just once again shown me that I am not in control of things. 

The hardest day was March 1st. When your life completely changes, for the better, the people who are around you are the ones to see the difference the most.

When you have had a history of hurting yourself, or depression, in my case both, it is very hard to explain or even get anyone who will take the time enough to listen. And when it is something that has been a part of your life for 7 years, it's something that is taken one day at a time. 

Sometimes people are put in your path to change your life. The irony comes in when the person who helps with the change is part of what made the feelings start in the first place. 

High school is a tough place. In my place, it was different. I had been homeschooled for my entire life. I walked in the school that day not knowing what to expect because I had never experienced it. I walked into my house that afternoon with tears in my eyes and fears about the future. Sadly, I was easy prey for bullies. And so that's when I took to hurting myself because it made things make sense. That won't be understood by someone who has never been through this, but there are some out there that it will make sense to.

I did this for 3 years and then I had graduated high school. At this point most of the people that I knew were off to start their futures. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Somedays I still don't know. Nothing made me happy. I would get dressed two days a week and that was just to go to church. As soon as that was over I was back in my chair in pjs with Netflix and headphones. Bedtime was never consist and activity was none existent. I hid in the shell that I had made for myself. My mom would make me go to the store with her just so I could get out of the house. 

I came out of the depression  but keep up with the harm. I would write my feelings, which were quite honestly something that could come out of a horror movie. I was a shell of a person. Unhappy, but not sure how I could do anything to change it. Or if anyone even cared. People had become the enemy which lead to panic attacks. I would be at home by myself and feel like I was in a room crowded with people where I felt like I couldn't breathe. That is something that is still sometimes a problem for me. 

Then someone saw me when I actually let my guard down. They say that they want to help me get out of that self harm. And he did. I sit here a year later having not hurt myself since March 1st of last year. Every day is a new challenge to tell myself that I don't have to cope like that anymore. I gets easier but having my life turned upside down made me feel those things again. Thankfully I didn't relapse. 

The thing that has helped me recently has been music. Music has always been important to me but trying to make changes it has really been important. And one song has just stood out to do that recently. 

   http://youtu.be/LuvfMDhTyMA 

Lord I need you. That's where the title of this post coming from. When I cannot stand I'll fall on you. And I'm falling on Him right now. I know He has a plan and a purpose and thanks to a really good friend, I'm now here to experience that plan. Thanks Nick. And everyone just know that there is someone out there who knows what you are going through.