Looking to the future

Here we are. At the end of another year. One that flew by but was one of the slowest moving ones for me.


2015. The year that everything changes.









I couldn't resist.

Anyway. At the being of this year  I was still living in Bowling Green. I know. I can't believe it either. It seems like so long ago. Part of that is because it was. I still miss a lot of the people there.
 Hi guys.

But that doesn't mean that's where I was supposed to be. To be honest, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be. Walking into this year I was expecting things to turn out a certain way and the only thing that even close to what I thought is that I still love God and music. That's about the only thing that has stayed the same.

When I moved up to Northern Kentucky, I was not looking for anything. I was hurt, missing my friends, and unsure of what was coming next. That is when I went into what I now know to be a cycle in my ongoing battle with depression. But there's a different blog post for that.

One thing I will touch on that part of my life here is that depression is not something anyone caused or anyone could have prevented. It is a disease. It is an illness and it is not as simple as someone having a bad day and then choosing to feel better.

Moving on.


One thing I do know is that moving up here has changed some things for the better. I now have friends that I didn't know that I needed. Hey guys.

I have had conversations with them and they make me daily into a better person. I have laughed with them. I have cried with them and settled into different phases of adulthood with them.


Then something else happened. I lost someone. My papaw had a heart of love for every single person that he met. He wanted to see the best for everything that he came across and that was seen in his last days as he spent time with the ones that he loved until the very end. The day of the funeral came and everything was able to be the way that he wanted it and the spirit of God was in that place that day. I love you Papaw.

As I sit here and think of all the things that have happened, I can't help but look to the future. It looks bright and beautiful and I can't wait to see what happens.

Until next time friends.

God bless and Happy New Year.

Holy Spirit you are welcome here?

If you listen to any type of Christian radio you have probably heard the song Holy Spirit. If not, here's a link to the song. 

https://youtu.be/2zEiiZi2DKk


When you hear about the Holy Spirit it doesn't always feel like something you can understand. I mean, the second chapter of Acts compares the spirit to something like tongues of fire. Last I checked the only that is supposed to have a "tongue of fire" is a dragon and I don't have one of those in my back yard. 

Thinking like that can be kind of intimidating. But then if you look in gospels, the Spirit is portrayed as that like a dove. 

Almost any person that you come across would prefer the second to the first. A dove is not going to cause as much damage as fire. It can be controlled, to a point can do tricks, and at the end of the day, be put in a cage. 

We like to put the Spirit in a box. Because if He is in there we can decide when to let Him out, what He does and how much He gets to be a part of our lives.

A pastor said that there is no separating a Christian from Christ. Once we make that decision, He is always going to be there whether you like it or not.

That shouldn't be something that keeps us from wanting to follow. That should make us excited. We don't have to worry about anything. God is always going to be there to point us in the right direction. He can see every choice that is going to made but He gives us the choice of if we follow His advice of not. We might not get the whole picture at the time and that is intimidating. Not having the entire map of how things are going to happen or when and which direction you will be going in. 

This is where faith comes into it, but I'll leave that for another day. 

Now what does the song have to do with this concept?

To be overcome by Your presence, Lord. Overcome: to overpower or overwhelm in body or mind. There's a deep problem with the use of that word. When I hear that word, it tells me that I'm no longer in charge. I'm not in control. My actions and the things that I do are no longer my own. 

Here's the kicker; THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Once you accept Christ, that becomes your life. For us to think any different is incorrect. Paul said it quite well. I have been crucified with Christ it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. (FYI he's referring to the Spirit here. ) 

Giving complete control of anything is hard. Doing it with your life is a completely different battle. Saying that you don't get the ultimate final decision. That you could want to be a teacher but God decides to put you at an orphanage in a third world country. You could have your entire life planned out. You could want to get married, have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence but instead you end up single, helping the homeless in city hundreds of miles from any of your friends or family. 

Following God isn't going to be easy. It's a choice that has to be made daily in a sense. Daily I have to put away desires of the flesh and lean towards more Godly things. Daily I have to let the Spirit lead me in the way I am supposed to go. Daily I make a choice of who is in charge that day. 

What would happen if we actually applied the words of this song? If we were willing to experience the glory of His goodness. To become more aware of His presence. Willing to be overcome with the power that is like fire but also has the gentleness of a dove. The same presence that helped lead over 3,000 people to God on the day of Pentecost lives inside us! But we are unwilling to let Him unleashed to do His work. 

Speaking in tongues may be uncomfortable to you. God has given some people the power to use that gift. Some are meant to interpret, some are meant to teach and some are meant to go. Each of us has been given the Spirit to dwell within us as a gift from God to bring us closer to Himself. We miss out on the fullness of God because we are afraid of what other people will think of us.

There have been times as I sing in a place of worship where I feel called to do certain things. I am sad to say that most of the time instead of doing those things, I am concerned of what others will think: so much so that I don't do what I am called to do. It's never anything that would hurt anyone. I CHOOSE to ignore what God has called me to in order to appear "normal" or focus on how other people will view me instead of how God is seeing me. Anything that God is calling you to do if from Him. 

People worship in different ways. Not everyone is made to be a singer but you can work with children. If that is the passion that God has equipped you for, DO IT! Maybe you have been scarred to raise your hands or fall to you knees in worship but what you thought about yourself became more important. If God gives you a desire to do something like that, DO IT! 

Passing up the desires that God puts inside of you is denying what He wants for your life. 

Being a part of Him is supposed to be a picture of complete and total surrender on our part. He is the one who is in charge, who has final say.

I'm concerned that we put so many limits on the Spirit, that we are limiting what Christ can do through us. That we have become so afraid of Him, we are willing to see what He can do. 

Holy Spirit, you are welcome here?

Passion Week from a different perspective

Darkness
I had always been close to my Father. When there wasn't a specific place to pray, that didn't mean I couldn't talk to Him. The conversation was never cut off. There had always been answers. 

But this time there hadn't been.


When you ask a question, you don't really expect the "wrong" answer. When your Father gives you a task to do, you do whatever you can to make it happen. 

"Daddy, are you there? Can you hear me? Of course you do. You're my dad. There's something I have to ask. There's this cup. I don't want to have to drink it. But if you want me to I'll drink it.

Daddy?
Are you there?
Daddy?!? 
Talk to me!!!
please.

My tears look like blood. I guess that's my answer. 

Silence
\
That is what I hear when I ask Dad the question. I know what's coming. We had talked about what the question meant. The sacrifice. The separation. The silence in which I would hear the answer.  

The Cost. 

I had agreed.

Made a promise to give everything that I had in order to protect the ones I love. The ones asleep, the ones who lived now and the generations that would come after them. This had always been the plan. When a sacrifice has to be made, it is to cover everything in blood. Blood makes it clean. The blood had started in the garden. First it came from my head. Then it came when Peter cut off a man's ear. 

I helped heal him. That's what I came to do. Helping people is what I came for. 

Then I came to the court. I knew that Peter would follow. He was a follower. He wouldn't be forever. No words were needed. Dad had spoken loud in His silence in the garden. And in the silence a rooster crowed.  


The judgment

of the people was in accordance to my Father's plan. Everything was going the way that it was supposed to. Now was my time for silence. The claims were all outrageous. They were these people's claim to fame. A way for people to talk around the well so to speak. Then came the question.

"Are you the 'King of the Jews'?"

I said "If you say so."

That was not a statement to be proud or spiteful, it was more a statement of admittance that what they said was true. I did as I was told and as I had agreed. This had always been the plan. Since the beginning of time, this was set into motion. As I am hit with the whip, I can't help but smile because I know the ending.
  

What just happened? Hearing the call to move on.

God is awesome. He does things to bless you when you didn't realize that you needed something. And when He is waiting for you to pay attention, who knows what you can learn. 

Last weekend I went to a retreat with some of the young women from my church. I'm still trying to get used to things because it's a new church environment. Being in a cabin with 10 women that you hardly know is an experience. But there are a couple of things that I learned and then I have something that happened today that I'd like to share with you.

So we talked about the different meanings of the word passion. One of the main points was secular vs sacred. If you are a child of God, everything you do is sacred. Brushing your teeth can be sacred. Eating can be sacred. Reading a book, having a conversation, being intimate with a spouse. Those are all sacred. We can't separate things between what can be God's and what isn't. It's all His. 

The Message version of the Bible has always intrigued me. None of the scripture is sugar coated. It just tells it like it is and tells you to get over it. The sermon on the Mount is a piece of scripture that I have heard for my entire life. When I was in Godspell,I had the entire passage memorized. But sometimes, it's just helpful to be reminded. 

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule. You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You're blessed when you're content with just who you are- no more, no less. That the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. You're blessed when you care. At the moment of being 'care-full,' you find yourselves cared for. You're blessed when you get your inside world-your mind and heart- put right. Then you can see God in the outside world. You're blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That's when you discover who you really are, and your place in God's family. You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God's kingdom." Matthew 5:3-10

Wow. That kind of just explains itself. How good is that?

Hearing that helped what happened today to actually stick. So I put God to the test today. Just so you know, that's okay to do. He encourages it. It helps us trust in Him and it shows us how He is always good to His word. I told Him about a relationship that needed to be fixed. I told Him that if something was supposed to be fixed, then to give me a sign. I've been getting ready for the Easter musical that I have come to Bowling Green be a part of this weekend. There is a song in it called "This is how Love Wins". Right before I got to a turn in the road, that song started to play.

I walked up to a door. A door that until a little over a month I had lived behind. I'm gonna be honest, I was terrified. I didn't know what to expect. I was just hoping that the door would be opened for me. 

It was.

If you want to know more about that, feel free to message me on Facebook, it's a really cool story.

At the end, I asked a dear friend if we could pray. We spent the next 30 minutes or so thanking God for all the awesome things that He does and all the plans that He has that He hasn't shown us yet.I would be lying if I said that I now knew the reason for everything that has happened in the last 2 months. But as a good friend told me today, God said to let Him take care of me and it was time to move on. 

I don't know what He has planned for me. But I know that in His timing, I'll start seeing the pieces. And that has to be good enough for me. :)    

When I cannot stand I'll fall on you

You know those times when you just feel like the air has been knocked out of you? Like nothing will ever make sense again and you're not exactly sure what direction is up?

Because that's me right now. My entire life got turned upside down and sometimes I still don't know how to take it. I am slowly building a life here. Job applications, unpacking and trying to find my place in a new church. 

But more than that some recent days have been really hard on me. A birthday that was completely different than my 21st. Trying to keep in contact with my friends who now live 4 hours away. Friendships take time and work and that is definitely showing right now.

But more than that, this has just once again shown me that I am not in control of things. 

The hardest day was March 1st. When your life completely changes, for the better, the people who are around you are the ones to see the difference the most.

When you have had a history of hurting yourself, or depression, in my case both, it is very hard to explain or even get anyone who will take the time enough to listen. And when it is something that has been a part of your life for 7 years, it's something that is taken one day at a time. 

Sometimes people are put in your path to change your life. The irony comes in when the person who helps with the change is part of what made the feelings start in the first place. 

High school is a tough place. In my place, it was different. I had been homeschooled for my entire life. I walked in the school that day not knowing what to expect because I had never experienced it. I walked into my house that afternoon with tears in my eyes and fears about the future. Sadly, I was easy prey for bullies. And so that's when I took to hurting myself because it made things make sense. That won't be understood by someone who has never been through this, but there are some out there that it will make sense to.

I did this for 3 years and then I had graduated high school. At this point most of the people that I knew were off to start their futures. I had no idea what I wanted to do. Somedays I still don't know. Nothing made me happy. I would get dressed two days a week and that was just to go to church. As soon as that was over I was back in my chair in pjs with Netflix and headphones. Bedtime was never consist and activity was none existent. I hid in the shell that I had made for myself. My mom would make me go to the store with her just so I could get out of the house. 

I came out of the depression  but keep up with the harm. I would write my feelings, which were quite honestly something that could come out of a horror movie. I was a shell of a person. Unhappy, but not sure how I could do anything to change it. Or if anyone even cared. People had become the enemy which lead to panic attacks. I would be at home by myself and feel like I was in a room crowded with people where I felt like I couldn't breathe. That is something that is still sometimes a problem for me. 

Then someone saw me when I actually let my guard down. They say that they want to help me get out of that self harm. And he did. I sit here a year later having not hurt myself since March 1st of last year. Every day is a new challenge to tell myself that I don't have to cope like that anymore. I gets easier but having my life turned upside down made me feel those things again. Thankfully I didn't relapse. 

The thing that has helped me recently has been music. Music has always been important to me but trying to make changes it has really been important. And one song has just stood out to do that recently. 

   http://youtu.be/LuvfMDhTyMA 

Lord I need you. That's where the title of this post coming from. When I cannot stand I'll fall on you. And I'm falling on Him right now. I know He has a plan and a purpose and thanks to a really good friend, I'm now here to experience that plan. Thanks Nick. And everyone just know that there is someone out there who knows what you are going through. 

What time is it?

It is amazing how quickly things can change. When you live in a day and time that instant gratification is necessary to achieve happiness is it any wonder that we end up going in circles. If you don't have a phone that connects to the internet, you are looked at with a look of sadness. I want it all and I want it now is kind of what is the popular thing to go for or want.

My life has changed ridiculously fast in the last 2 and a half weeks. God decided to change me situation which had me moving back in with my parents after being out of the house for almost 2 years. The last few weeks have been full of difficult goodbyes, tears of sadness, tons of hugs and words of encouragement from everyone that I hold dear.

I found myself mad and confused at God for why He was letting this happen. I didn't understand why his plans weren't lining up with mine. I had a plan, I had things that were going right and then I a few going not so right. 

The hardest thing was leaving behind my church family. And that's the honest truth. Woodburn is family to me.

God started putting people in my life to speak, or write, the words I needed to hear. The first advice came from a friend who said that life happens in seasons. You grow during them, you look for answers, you cry, you uproot, and ultimately grow stronger. He suggested that I not let the past season keep me from what God had for me during this one. And I thank him for that.

Another piece of wisdom came from that man two weeks later. At the end of choir practice he asked the choir for words of wisdom that then lead to prayer. He prayed that all of us would do things in Godspeed. Being a pastor's kid, I've heard that word for a long time. But what stuck was what he said next. "Help us to speed up or slow down according to your speed. And help us to be okay with it.

That kind of just smacked me in the face. I then realized that I had been going at this the completely wrong way. I had seen that my timing was messed up and made it my mission to blame anyone and everyone in my path. That wasn't what was going on. This had been God's plan all along. 

Now as I am sitting in a church that is 4 hours away from where I was sitting this time last week, I can't help but be excited for what is coming. What I'm trying to say is, Godspeed is the speed that you want to be on. It's not too fast and not too slow, it's just right. Just realize that if you fall down, He'll be there to pick you up again.